|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
It's 3 in the morning and I'm still up as usual. I turn on the TV and what greets me is one of the most infuriating things that I, as an aspiring filmmaker, have ever seen. The fact that a large group of people spent actual goddamn effort writing, directing, and acting in this giant STD of a film just completely blows me away. They spent hard-earned time and money on building sets, designing costumes, makeup, and even pulling a some horrible 40's-style stop motion animation into the mix. This thing makes me want to vomit out of my ass, if not every fucking orifice of my body. I have some great movie ideas that I'm developing (Other people have told me that they're great, too, so I'm not just basing that on ego alone. I think.), and the fact that this movie was allowed to be made and showcased on national television makes me feel like a gay Jewish black man stumbling into a KKK gathering. I just can not bring myself to believe that this was on the Sci-Fi channel without being the main event in an episode of "Mystery Science Theatre 3000". This movie might be somewhat acceptable if it was made in, say, the sixties. But it wasn't. It was made in 1994. That's right. This cinematic clusterfuck was made in the year nineteen hundred ninety four. If there is a god, and there is a day of supreme judgment, then this movie is all of humanity's one-way ticket to hell. Upon entering hell, Satan will probably make you watch this movie again. Okay let's get started now.
THE HORRIBLE CAST
First the big names. George Takei. Isaac Hays. Julie Newmar. Now, Miss Newmar's appearance as Miss Kitty (a nod to her Batman days, obviously) should come as no surprise, since her entire filmography has been made up of, well, shit. Isaac Hays gets it on as some kind of bank teller or something. His role is brief. Or at least I think it is. To be honest I'm writing this while the "movie" is still playing and I'm not paying too much attention to it. He first gives some plastic space-money to a horrible man in wearing large flight goggles acting the way Daniel Day-Lewis' character from "Gangs of New York" would act if he inhaled a gallon of paint thinner. After the transaction is complete, Hays laughs in a way you'd think an overweight leprechaun might laugh and then tends to the monetary needs (or something) of our hero, Zack Stone. I'll get to him later. Another thing this movie showcases besides complete idiocy is how life has not been kind to the career of George Takai. You might remember him. He played Sulu from Star Trek, another "space western", as it were. So George "Mr. Sulu" Takei earns his paycheck here as the town's drunken physician/mechanic who has a tendency to break into "Star Trek" jokes that range from horrible to slightly-better-than-horrible. Because his name is possibly the most well-known among this cast of money-desparate cinema whores, it is only fitting that he get the best line:
"Jim....Beam me up." -- said to a bottle of Jim Beam he is about to finish off.
There is one other good thing about this movie: you can see what happened to the guy who played the huge, braindead and incredibly unfraggable bearded bad fella in "Superman II". Here, he plays a dude named Bork, which is also the name of an egg-shaped robot in a comic strip my mom drew 20 years ago. In his role, he dons a fantasmic(outer-space?)Coonskin hat, Davey Crockett-style, and helps to trash the shit out of the Oblivion General Store, run by Mattie Chase (Jackie Swanson). While kicking over the space-tubes full of candy on the store counter, he grunts "Candy! I liiike candy!" Jesus Fucking Christ, the things some washed-up has-beens will do to be in a movie. Anyway, Bork is a henchman to the badass of the spaceways, Redeye, a lizard-person-alien thing who packs an attitude and wears a bright red condom over his left eye. Redeye's other special helpers include a wannabe dominatrix named Lash, whose own personal WMD is an electrified bullwhip. Yes, you read that right. Jesus. (He's not one of the henchman, I'm just breaking a commandment or two to get my frustration across here. Although it would kick so much ass if he was.) Anyway, another henchman is Wormhole, a black-clad, kind of insane ex-mariachi band member whose name implies how he lives his sex life. I swear to god, if Zorro had a three-way with Siegfried and Roy and one of them somehow got pregnant, Wormhole is a good example of how their son would probably turn out. And, finally, some guy with a beard. Yes, the notorious "guy with a beard", most ruthless of the intergalactic henchmen... you can't escape him, so don't even try, because he will FUCK YOU UP.
Yeah.....
Anyway, I think we're down to the last two people I feel like going into much detail about. First of all there's the main hero-sissy-freak Zack Stone, who delivers his lines with a kind of makeshift Clint Eastwood-like confidence, which means squinting a lot and jerking his head from side to side. Most of his lines are also horrible. "I don't want to hurt anyone. But unfortunately you happen to be standing right where my gun's about to go off." is not only corny as all of fucking Nebraska, but it sounds like a bad Johnny Cochran defense. And then there's Zack's Native-Oblivion sidekick and hetero lifemate. The Tonto to his Lone Ranger, if you will. The Sancho Panza to his Don Quixote, the Robin to his Batman! Like Tonto, Buteo becomes Zack Stoner's own subservient little bitch. "Yes indeed, bow down and serve your white master, you smelly space-Injun! Since we've killed off everyone else in your race, you might as well just deal with it!"
Man do I hate westerns.
Oh, one more thing. The dude who played Lurch in the two "Addams Family" movies appears here as an undertaker. He actually does a good job, but that's only because he is one creepy-looking gangbangin' mofo. He's basically reprising Lurch, sans makeup and wearing a stereotypical undertaker's outfit, complete with sexy top hat. In my opinion, "reprising Lurch" would be a pretty decent name for a band. Anyway, moving on....
THE IDIOTIC PLOT
This poop on a stick feature starts out by focusing on a mysterious figure walking down Main Street. You know something is seriously wrong already when you realize his pants look like something put together by some fat geekanerd preparing to go to a "Swamp Thing" convention in Ohio somewhere. Mixed in with shots of Mr. fairy-pants walking around we get to see shots of light bulbd breaking as he walks by them, in order to imply that he is evil. But wait a sec. These lightbulbs are attatched to .....wait for it....fucking upside-down ceiling fans! They aren't even inside, they just hang from random abritrary buildings and posts around the set. What's more, the lights on the goddamn things don't even really break. Instead, the Director's cousin's nephew or somebody turns off the goddamn lightswitch somewhere off camera and track 47 from the "150 Amazing Sound Effects!" CD was inserted at just the right point. So by now it's five or six minutes of this, the guy's feet, and opening credits. It's surprising just how many people seem to actually want to be associated with this gigantic pile of suck. Anyway, these opening shots go on well past the limit of patience for most people until finally the guy stops at an ATM machine and breaks that, too! Then he takes a glowing rock out of his pocket and buris it in the ground for no apparent reason, which takes about two mintues longer than it should. By now I think we should all be in Fred Durst-style "agreeance" that this movie makes you think, say, or spew "What the fuck?" several times and "what the fuck??!?" at least twice. As it stands, I'm tired of writing this goddamn thing and I think I need to see the movie again to fully outline its plot. I need to do that not only to finish this review, but also to rekindle my anger and disgust,thereby making my review much more entertaining and filled with venomocity.
|
 |
PEOPLE TO KILL AND COMPANIES NOT TO INVEST YOUR STOCK IN
Director: Sam Irvin
Writers: Peter David, John Rheaume, Hreg Suddeth, and Mark Goldstein (that's right, it took FOUR people to write this)
Producer: Vlad Paunescu
Executive Producer: Charles Band
Co-Producers:Albert Band, Debra Dion, Peter David
Lack of Cinematography: Adolfo Bartoli (It must suck to be named after a menu choice at the Olive Garden.)
Kind of Editing: Margaret-Anne Smith
"Music" Composer: Pino Donaggio
Production Design: Milo
Costume Design: Oana Paunescu, Radu Corciova, Michael Roche
Casting: Robert MacDonald, Perry Bullington
Sound aka Purchasing "150 Amazing Sound Effects" from K-Mart: Tiberiu Borcoman
Not Too Special Effects: David Allen Productions
Makeup: Alchemyfx - effects
|
